On Wanting To Be Loved By You*

“The world is round, for even as we walk away we’re coming back together

– Couplet my substitution teacher read from a book

.

I hate that every love poem I hear now 

I think of you and

I need to know, what do you think of me? 

I think that I’m only capable of ruining something good–Confession: 

I once ghosted a girl after the first date because 

I saw how kind, how calm and caring this woman was and 

I knew it would be selfish to hold onto a relationship, a person, 

I’d end up breaking and 

I always put myself before them because

I didn’t know how to safely put someone else 

First

And the only kingdom* I’d unify is me to my own

Freedom

And it’s not a love poem that I’m writing because

You know my name but not my soul and I

Am so sorry that I do the same thing and that I 

Ignore 

You 

Even now, sitting right here writing this but the “I”

Is an afterthought 

But I’m still fighting to avoid pushing my heart

Onto someone who never 

Stayed long enough to know how 

To hold 

On to anything that would forever be free-

ly given

.

*the title is a reference to one of the first poems I ever read in creative writing by another girl and it was titled: On raising our daughters/On raising our sons (Or something very similar to that)

**reference to marriage and a conversation about it, plus freedom and kingdom sound way better put together